Tag Archives: India

Fear and the Solo Female Traveler

Posted on by under Uncategorized

Oh you’re planning a trip? Who are you going with?? Are you meeting someone?

These are the common questions I was faced with when I told anyone about my plans to travel around the world. To some it was unfathomable that traveling to remote corners of the world was something that could be done alone even as a women, and going alone was something I actually wanted to do. It seemed like they would rather get a root canal than venture out into the great unknown without some form of companionship. When they finally did believe that my plans were serious, there was a common opinion of me; “You must be really brave.”

Me. Brave? I don’t think so. I had been traveling solo to Peru and Ecuador for the past four years, and never once thought of myself as brave. Stupid, yes, often. But brave, never. There seems to be this stigma held that traveling is this big scary thing, and when you’re traveling without planned tour, not in a resort, and on your own, especially as a women, you must be narrowly avoiding rape and near death at every corner. Traveling solo as a women is painted as this big scary thing, I can’t put a number to the amount of blogs written on the subject, telling one what to do, what not to do, advice making one afraid to leave their trip-advisor approved hostel, turning traveling into a chore rather than fun.

The majority of the people you will meet anywhere in the world are just REGULAR people, though cultural norms and certain idiosyncrasies may be very different than home, at the heart the majority of people will be governed by the same moral compass. What does this mean for a young solo female traveler? Don’t do anything you wouldn’t do at home and trust your instincts if you are. Many of the horror stories one hears about solo travelers arise when people see travel as an opportunity  to let out their inner wild child with people they will never see again. An important part of traveling is the opportunities that push you out of your comfort zone, but there is a striking difference between bungee jumping or hitch hiking with friendly locals and taking drugs at a club or going somewhere with someone because they pressured you (prepare yourself to be assertive in saying no to men’s advances, being a tourist you will experience an aggressive level of pressure from locals not only in markets, but all the way to romantic offerings as well).

I only started travelling when I was 23, so maybe I never put off the same vibe to attract the same frequency of negative situations as a more naive 18 year old might, or maybe more stories sell when they focus and elaborate on the negative side of situations, but on my travels, the majority of the time I felt safe. I wandered cities at night, took local buses, hitchhiked, drank the water, drank some alcoholic beverages, and talked to people (including men) that I met. All alone. I never felt I was in any danger, though not all my encounters with the opposite sex on my travels were positive.

On a trip to Ecuador, I had a rather uncomfortable run in with a local male. While wandering the beach in broad daylight I became aware of a young local following me. I had wandered off the main beach onto a rocky outcropping, though two other tourists were visible a few hundred meters ahead. I continued on though not completely comfortable with the man now following me, and just to be safe I picked up a “walking stick” off the trail. As I wandered among the tide pools attempting to catch some of the little crabs, the local started to try to engage in conversation with me. The polite Canadian in me could not just tell him to go away, as he started speaking to me in Spanish I figured he would soon clue in to my terrible understanding of Spanish and give up.

He was not to be deterred that easy though, and with broken English he pushed on, inviting me to dinner at his house that night. Unable to shake my polite Canadian demeanor and just tell him to %$&* off, I had to get creative in my evasion tactics. Drawing on my grade 7 curriculum of a semester of mandatory french class, I decided that posing as a French Canadian was a viable option, “Solo hablo Frances” I responded to his invite shrugging my shoulders with a blank look (I should mention I would have failed French class had I not seen the final exam the day before I had to write it). Thinking I was finally in the clear I started to walk away, he called me back and I turned around to see him holding out a crab he had caught. I couldn’t deny my inner 5 year old that was desperate to catch one, so I walked over and took it from him.

As I looked up from the crab I had so desperately wanted to catch, I was shocked to find that the local had pulled down his pants and was giving me a full view! I quickly dropped the crab and while grasping my multi-functional walking stick said “umm no thanks!” while turning and walking quickly away towards the other tourists. He seemed to finally get the hint and did not attempt to pursue me. I was in a very touristy area known for partying, drugs and alcohol, so as much as I couldn’t fathom this approach to women ever working, I knew it must have worked once down the line for it to become something attempted in broad daylight.  I had wanted to catch some crabs on my walk, but not the type of crabs he was offering!

While some of the men I had met in South America seemed very forward, they had nothing on how men treated solo females in India. Many young men I crossed paths with seemed to think that foreign females travelling on their own must be desperate for male companionship, despite them vocalizing the opposite. Whether walking down the street, sitting at a cafe, or riding on a train; doing anything without a males companionship was the equivalent of wearing a big red sign saying “single and ready to mingle.” It was not uncommon to be approached by a local and interrogated about ones marital status. I learned to never, ever say that I was single. Though claiming a boyfriend or even wearing pretend wedding ring did very little to deter their pursuits, often claiming that when one is on holiday those commitments are as well.

I was surprised at the aggression that could result if I tried to politely dismiss their advances like I would do at home and had done in South American countries. One evening I ended up being invited to an Indian wedding by a tour operator. I was told that other tourists would be coming, and having heard that Indian weddings are not to be missed I accepted the invite. As soon as I arrived I felt the urge to leave, it was not the spectacle I had been led to believe, as soon as I arrived the tour guide ushered me into a small room where illicit alcohol was being served. Only one fellow tourist had managed to make the wedding, and feeling rather out of place I took a seat beside him and made conversation.

Not long after, and a few shots of whiskey later, the tour guide who had brought me pulled me away from the other tourist. He told me that he was offended that I would be talking to another man when he had brought me as his guest. Feeling really uncomfortable and knowing this night was on a crash course for a finale I did not care to be a part of, I demanded that I drive myself back to my guesthouse immediately. A younger me would have stayed to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, part of me believing that the tour guide had honorable intentions, but the few years of traveling I had under my belt had wizened me to nip these situations in the bud. In India especially, anything that was not a clear and aggressive “no” was interpreted that there was still an opportunity to pursue.

A few weeks later at the guesthouse I was staying at, over the course of a few days the cook had gotten progressively aggressive to another female tourist, not taking no for an answer. Finally, one morning things escalated after he had tried to lure her into his room, matters were dealt with in a rather western justice manner, a couple men showing up and “discussed” the matter with the cook in his room. Some time later, the cook emerged stiffly from the room sporting a freshly forming black eye, and was fired on the spot with his wages for the month given to the girl. Though I had been experiencing some of the Indian male forwardness, it was the first time I had witnessed it escalating to that level. Within the context of the spiritual hub of Rishikesh, it was a shock to the system to witness how the situation was handled, and a part of me sympathized with the cook.

For any female considering travelling solo to any country (especially India), be forewarned that it will be a challenging experience, but don’t let that deter you. Travelling solo will be the most rewarding thing you ever do, and something that is only possible at certain points in your life (I am told that the average person will spend a very little proportion of their life single (slightly hard to believe as a perpetually single person, who’s longest relationship lasted 3 month, with two of those months spend building up the courage to break it off), then factor in kids, and solo time will be a thing of the past!). Unless you have never lived outside of your parents basement, you will have the skills and instincts to travel solo without mishap, while wandering more than a block from the hostel, going out at night, and riding local transit despite what online articles and blogs may say. Just be prepared for local women looking at you like you have a terminal illness upon learning you are not married!

What I Learned

Posted on by under Adventure Travel, India, spirituality, travel

When I decided to make India a stop on my tour this year, it was to try to find out why Steve Jobs and other famous people like the Beetles attributed their time in India so much to their successes. On the day I was flying out to India, I was discussing with my friend who was giving me a ride to the airport why I chose India. They asked me, if Steve Jobs was so successful and spiritually in-tune, why did so many people not like working with him?  At the time I didn’t have a good answer, but the question stuck in my head. Was it that Steve Jobs didn’t find his success by following his interests and passions, but by using and abusing people like many CEOs of large corporations? I based my trip to India on the fact that Jobs had said it was influential for his career and I was desperately seeking some type of insight into my career path, but was I idolizing the wrong person? Through my time in India, I found an answer to my friends question of the validity of Steve Jobs’ success, an answer which would also prove insightful at a scale beyond just my career path.

First, what comes to mind when you think of someone who is successful? People’s answer to this question will vary slightly but most likely involve an aspect of 1.financial security and status 2. physical appearance and 3. having a spouse with the first trait (if you’re a woman) and the second trait (if you’re a man).  To be a success, one must be head of a multi-million dollar company, liked by all who meet them, have invitations to dinner with royalty, married to someone deemed physically attractive, and have 2.5 kids, all who are in the 95th percentile, and master’s at the cello and signed by a professional sports team at age 12. We rarely judge someones success based on their personal fulfillment, society will always see someone who lives in a log cabin without electricity as less successful as someone in a multi-million dollar house.

I spent a year living in the UK and couldn’t believe how much people were limiting themselves based on societal ideals (probably a problem in every first world area including my home, but easier to see as a foreigner coming in). From going to a proper pre-school to living in the right neighborhood to having a specific accent to looking to the royals for what to wear, lives were cookie cutter and full of how things needed to be done, leaving no room for people to follow their intuition and find true personal success outside the box. I found it interesting coming across an article studying graduates from Universities across the UK, how those who went to lower class Universities had more career and financial success than those at the prestigious ones. Why? Because the graduates from the lower class grew up with less of the pressure of the “proper” (and often expensive) way to approach life, and could think outside the box. More of these graduates started up their own businesses and took career risks, while the prestigious grads having had their life mapped out for them since birth didn’t have the same out of box thinking style required to be successful once out into the world. Having a strong ideal of what success looks like and how to achieve it ultimately inhibited ever being successful. Now what does any of this actually have to do with my time in India, spirituality, and Steve Jobs?

Lots. These ideals and mimicry of deemed successful attributes are not only limited to the un-spiritual western world, but very prevalent in the world of spirituality. In India this mimicry was often very visible, with physical appearance closely tied with spiritual practice. In the Hindu culture, the color saffron color represented purity and non-attachment and thus saffron colored robes were worn by many following the path of spirituality (or pretending to for begging reasons). I seemed to be the only one who found the irony of being attached to wearing a color to symbolize non-attachment completely comical. If one has reached the spiritual state of non-attachment to the material world, would what color they wear remotely concern them? There is also a strong stigma around a spiritual master and what they can and cannot do; they must be celibate, have no earthly desires, and can never make a mistake. We hold on to these almost impossible ideals of what is necessary to be spiritual, then find ourselves discouraged when we fail to meet them. We think we should see white light and auras, talk with other consciousnesses, and have no desires when we reach a spiritual state, and in our journey when we don’t experience these things we worry and think we are not on the right track.

These spiritual ideals are no different than the western ideals of success, and their impact on our lives and actions are one of the same (we just think we are better off than the guy taking a loan out to buy a fancy new car). The ideals lead us astray and away from our intuition. Spirituality has many different faces, and wearing a orange robe chanting mantras everyday will not make you more spiritual if the reason for the action is based in fear. Many people will feel stuck in their life and/or spiritual practice and think that is has nothing to do with their actions, that it is the universe playing some cruel joke or that they are just destined to lead an average life. Being stuck is actually a sign your making the wrong decisions, rather than your choices being based on your intuition and personal truth they are shrouded with what you think is needed. Its like solving a basic math problem, but instead of reading that its a + sign, you think its a – sign as someone told you their problem had been a +. Though you are trying to solve the problem, you are only getting further from the answer. The problem is not changing or getting harder with every attempt you make, you just keep repeating the same mistake and getting frustrated that you still haven’t gotten the right answer without ever properly reading the question.

So should we really be looking at Steve Job’s external life as a measure of his success? Is a spiritual master less of a master if he doesn’t walk around in an orange robe? What I realized what the most important was to look at how he lived life. He never set out with the intention to become a billionaire, and that is probably the biggest reason he did end up so financially successful. He didn’t build any of his products with the goal of making the most profit he could, he made the products as innovative as possible with a complete disregard for costs. He did the best he could in that moment without thinking of what future gains or falls it might bring (and yes, some of his choices ended up being poor, but instead of regretting them he saw them for the value they served for learning). As per being liked by his peers, from a psychological standpoint one of the first signs of success will be having people strongly dislike you. Dislike has nothing to do with the person you have that feeling towards, but stems from yourself. To have a strong dislike of a person is a reflection of yourself, that person is exhibiting a trait you hold yourself back from embracing. Many find themselves jealous of successful people following their dreams and passions as they are too afraid to follow their own.

What I learned is to let go of the idea of what success or spirituality looks like, to learn as much as I can at every opportunity without wondering when and how it might benefit me in the future. To make choices based on the best I can do at the present moment in time, not basing a choice for some possible outcome that may come as a result. How often we think in stories when making decisions in any aspect of our life; if I do this, then this will happen, then this will happen, then this, and then I will be happy. Lots of times this happens subconsciously if we haven’t put the self work in and started to understand the basis of why we do and think what we do. How often do things go to plan and we even get to that second story layer, the first then this will happen? Never. Life is unpredictable and changes rapidly. All we can do is make the best choice right now.