About a week into my Camino, I soon found myself hiking consistently with a group of 5 other people. There were only a few pilgrims on this part of the Portuguese route at this time of the year, and we were what seemed to be the only pilgrims hiking that section of the trail each day. It was an interesting joining of people for a group, 2 Australians, 2 Canadians, an American and a Britt. We ranged in age from 27 (me) to just over 60, and came from a diversity of backgrounds that made for consistent conversation. Apart from some tense mornings after an all night session of chainsaw snoring in the dormitory bunk bed style albergues from certain members of the group (I will not name names!), long lasting friendships were formed. 

With a Camino family, the miles and days started to rapidly pass by. Evening meals were spent telling stories and making plans for how far we would hike the next day and which albergue we would stay at. As we entered the city of Porto, marking only 230 km until Santiago, I couldn’t help but be excited to visit what was dubbed the mos beautiful bookstore in the world. Upon arrival and payment of an entrance fee, I was faced with scaffolding covering much of the exterior and interior architecture, making it all but impossible to understand how it held the most beautiful in the world claim. Not one to was a visit to a bookstore (especially one I had paid to visit), I pursued the shelves searching for a potential hidden gem, a hard task with the majority of the books in Portuguese. As luck would have it (I did NOT need to add anymore weight to my bag), I didn’t find a single book worth buying. In my search I did come across a set of Portuguese tarot cards, and seeking some wisdom for my Camino, I pulled out a card. The card titled “Desaceleracao” (slow down in English) depicted a turtle making his way towards a rainbow. I had to stifle back a laugh, anyone who saw me hiking on the Camino would be hard pressed to identify a way I could go any slower. Despite being the youngest in the group I was hiking with, I was exponentially the slowest. I had to wonder, was that card meant to have an ironic meaning, that maybe I should be speeding up, or was there something I was missing on the Camino even at my already slow pace?

Before getting to the city I had started to notice that the Camino had turned into a process of getting from A to B. Hiking with a group it had been easy to fall into a daily routine, planning our next stops, and I started to notice that I was more focused on where I was going each day than where I was during the day. Pulling the desaceleracao card maybe was poking a little fun at my meandering pace on the trail, but I saw it as a reminder to keep my awareness present, and it was also was a suitable preclude to the next exercise from “The Pilgrimage” titled “The Speed Exercise” where one would hike at 1/3 of their normal pace for 20 minutes, while trying to observe everything around them. I was a bit apprehensive to start this exercise, as I was already making my way down the Camino in record slow time the idea of spending 20 minutes each day walking at 1/3 of my already very slow pace seemed like it could add hours to my day (which it didn’t)! My mind resisted starting as it usually does when it comes to things that are good for it, trying to convince me not to start each day, that it wasn’t a good spot on the path, someone might come along and ask what I was doing, or that I would be late for dinner. The mind can be very convincing, but I managed to stick to my resolve and once I started the exercise I was fascinated by it.

Walking at a snails pace I tied to take in every possible detail I could, I was amazed to immediately find a whole world that I was missing while walking at a normal pace. Even if I sat all day in one spot I could not appreciate all the detail that the landscape offered, each bit of moss, every tree, even the flow of the water was a detailed mosaic, a masterpiece of art. I had to laugh to myself as I thought about all the people who had walked this portion of the path before me, claiming it as beautiful yet they were only actually seeing maybe 1% of its true beauty. Did they notice the subtle changes in color and grain size in the rocks, the layers of different mosses on a branch, the subtle movement of the tree tops as a slight wind passed? Even at my reduced pace I knew I was seeing only a small portion more and still missing out on so much detail, how easy it was to get caught up in observing every branch of a tree whilst missing the blades of grass where my feet were being placed. I practiced this exercise for 7 days on the Camino, and beyond the obvious lessons of taking time to smell the roses and appreciate the small things in life, though this exercise I found a much greater life lesson.

Over the days I became acutely aware of how much information my brain had to process. Regardless of whether I was able to consciously be aware of the minute details of each leaf and branch of every tree, these details were being taken in and processed in some part of my mind. Bringing my awareness to these details on a very quiet and natural area was overwhelming, and I began to understand how in my daily life I was overwhelming myself with information and stimulus. From social media, to TV, to driving, in my day to day life I was moving much faster and processing significantly more information. A few pilgrims I had talked to on the Camino noted how strange coincidences always seemed to occur when on the Camino. I soon realized that these coincidences were not some phenomenon restricted to the Camino, but were present in our daily lives. It was only on the Camino that we slowed down enough for our awareness not to be overwhelmed with information, allowing us to notice the subtleties of life. We were starting to listen to the language of the world.

This exercise had more long lasting impacts than I expected. I had set out on this journey to change my life, and this exercise started to teach me how to become more in-tune with my intuition so that the changes I would make in my life would start to draw what I wanted, rather than continuing in the same cycle just in different scenarios. I became acutely aware of the amount of stimulus I had in my life causing unnecessary noise, distracting me from answers I was searching for that could be right in front of my nose. How easy it is to completely engulf the mind in stimulus, from concerts to sports games to movies and social media. Being alone with ones own thoughts and feelings can be uncomfortable so these outlets provide a way to distract us, filling our mind with the useless noise of the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of other people, but really does nothing to help us achieve our own goals. Thanks to this exercise, I knew that going forward I would need to reduce these distractions and focus my awareness to my immediate surroundings, the answers I was seeking would only come from within, if I would only let myself listen.

I had an idea in my head that while I was in India I would find my “Guru”. This idea had been put into my head from recently half finishing a couple books related to spirituality in the area; The Autobiography of a Yogi and Surfing the Himalayas. The authors of these books described the key role that finding their Guru had on their spiritual quests, how it was through divine intervention that they met their Guru, and hence, I decided that to fulfill my spiritual quest I would also need to find my Guru. I failed to remember the part in Steve Job’s biography describing his similar quest to find a Guru, only to end up finding his Guru when he quit looking for him, and his Guru would actually be from California, pretty much in his back yard.

I never did find what I envisioned “my” guru to be in India, but on my quest I met many gurus, delving deeper into knowledge of spirituality and philosophy than I had ever considered doing. I found myself constantly floored upon learning spiritual practices in India that mirrored practices of the Shamans in the Amazon. Even one of the more popular gurus giving satsangs at the time admitted to using ayahuasca in their spiritual development. All mind altering plants and substances aside (see this natgeo article on the use of cannabis by Sadhus in the Himalayas), the Shamans of the Amazon and the Swamis and holy people of India followed some very strange and strikingly similar practices for day to day living.

If you haven’t read any of my blogs from my time in Peru, there is one practice that the Shamans seem to have a great affinity towards; purging. There is one guarantee if you plan to go work with Shamans in the Amazon, you will puke, you will shit, and sometimes you may even uncontrollably do both at the same time. It could be that they just enjoy seeing naive tourists suffer, but they claim that the purge process is important to cleanse the emotional and energetic body, a way to release stuck patterns and thoughts when we are release them with our own willpower. While purging in the remote and wild Amazon didn’t seem out of place, I was surprised to learn that it was also an integral yogic process, right alongside the endless breath control and elegant body postures performed in immaculate studios and $100 outfits. Funny how when yoga was translated to the western world, the purging or shatkriyas practices were conveniently left out. While the Shamans used different plants to induce these purges, in India they were a bit more creative, invoking purging through methods such as swallowing a thin piece of cloth over 3m long and pulling it out, or using a oil, honey, and salt mixture as an enema. In our yoga teacher training course they encouraged us to try all the yogic practices, but having just been in Peru I felt that I had done enough purging for a while.

While in the Amazon I had to follow a strict diet, which is easiest to explain by the few things that are allowed, pretty much anything that dosent have a taste; rice, potatoes, plaintains, and the occasional amazonian bottom feeder fish. Oh, and this strict diet also extends to prohibit other areas of life, aka. no sex. I had never given the diet much thought apart for the scientific reasoning for no red meats (the Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitor component of ayahuasca blocks the enzymes that digest red meat), and the common sense that sugars and processed foods just are not good for you. So I found it very interesting when I started learning about the yogic diet and how (apart from milk) it had all of the same restrictions as the diet in the Amazon. These restrictions had nothing to do with any chemical interaction with a plant, but were based on energetic usage in the body. The bland diet and lack of sex minimizes the amount of energetic consumption taking place, allowing for all that energy to be focused upward rather than inward, towards achieving a higher consciousness state.

Beyond the similarities of the physical practices, there were many similarities between the ceremonial and spiritual aspects. In the Amazon, going into Tambo (a isolated hut in the jungle) was a key part of one’s spiritual growth, similar to a type of medidation developed in India called Vipassana involving 10 days of isolation with no talking or contact with others. Icaros were songs used by the Shamans to connect with spirits and cleanse energies, while in India they used Mantras to achieve much of the same. Both had a respect for the masculine and feminine, the solar and lunar, and finding a balance between the two. I was astonished that what I learned in India would bring light to an intense experience I had in Peru, explaining the exact state of consciousness I experienced. A state that was attainable through serious meditation and was not just a “high” feeling from the hallucinogenic aspect of ayahuasca as anyone reading about the experience might think. Was it no coincidence that Buddha achieved enlightenment by sitting under a tree and that plants were such an integral part of spiritual connection in the amazon?

I had to think, how could two cultures on completely different sides of the world have such similar practices? Many people discount spiritual practices as there is no scientific proof or observable cause and effect relationship, but these similarities pointed at some universal truth or language that all spiritual practices derive from regardless of culture or locality on the globe. Were all spiritual and religious paths actually leading to the same place? My year traveling around the world to different spiritual and religious centers had been with the aim of finding healing, but I realized that  I might gain much more than that by the time I was done.

Rishikesh, India is a very special place… And with that comes some situations and experiences you would never have the privilege to stumble across in your home country. With the influx of lost westerners searching for meaning, Rishikesh has turned into a spiritual “resort” destination. A result of this is that (as much as we may say we try not to) westerner culture has had a significant impact on the local culture, and our attempts to merge the two cultures results in (at times) some pretty comical outcomes. Firstly; dating. I don’t mean to sound cynical as I fall into this crowd, but about 70% of the population in Rishikesh consists of single western women searching for meaning in life, and lets get really honest, most women are going to tell you their number one goal in life is to find their soul mate/twin flame/other half/pool boy or whatever definition is trending these days. Having this type of demographic has made Rishikesh a dating hot-spot for the more forward locals and tourists alike. This, combined with the saturation of spirituality in the area makes for a whole different dating ball game than typical, requiring a vast new approach and vocabulary of spiritual pickup lines.

Now, spiritual pickup lines have the same cheesiness and validity along the lines of “Did you fall from heaven, because you look like an angel,” but if you throw the right spiritual terms in, somehow credibility ensures. Here’s a quick look at some of the classics:

• I just met you, but I feel this connection that I know you from a past life;
• I saw your aura from across the room, and it was like a magnet drawing me to you;
• I can feel our souls are vibrating on the same, higher frequency;
• OMG, you’re a (insert astrological sign here)! I’m a (insert astrological sign), our signs are the most sexually compatible match up possible in the zodiac world;
• In my dream last night I had a vision we would meet like this;
• The energy between us is so strong, I can feel it pulsating in my heart chakra (but really most likely pulsating in the root chakra… Spiritual humor.);
• Would you like to practice tantra yoga with a master?; and,
• I can help awaken your kundalini.

Really, this list goes on and on, and maybe one day I’ll come back to it. You are probably reading this thinking, yeah right, none of those actually work, but I assure you, in Rishikesh they do. I was inspired to write this blog post by a couple I met at the guesthouse I was staying at. The girl was eastern European, late teens to early twenties, somewhat typical of the gypsy millennial generation, directionless with the naivety that all young adults have. Nothing really much different than many other of the women travelers passing through Rishikesh, what was different was her traveling partner she was sharing the one-bed private room with. He was a much older Indian man, probably somewhere in his late 40’s, whose appearance and demeanor just screamed sleazeball. Naturally, me and some of the other guests were curious as to how this pairing came about. While the man was a bit avoidant on personal questions, the girl immediately and rather adamantly told us that they knew each other from a past life and had a deep soul connection. The man never confirmed nor denied this fact, but just seemed to enjoy the all expense paid tour of India he got to take part on as a result of this past-life connection. As I write this I wonder what happened down the line. Did they maintain their “connection” once she had to return home, did she stay in India, or was I correct in my thoughts that the pairing was indicative of repressed daddy issues that needed to be faced rather than having anything to do with a soul connection? I will never know.

With the abundance of spirituality in the area, not only does one need to change their approach to the dating game, but there is also a entire “spiritual” language that one must translate when having or listening to conversations in the cafes. With at least two or three different self-proclaimed enlightened masters giving satsangs every day (including the Canadian who (as an embarrassment to all Canadians) gave himself the title of “God”), and 90% of the people taking a yoga teacher training course, many of us tourists even start to speak this language. Some key translations to remember that will bring a new light and clarity to the conversations you might hear in Rishikesh or someone just returning from there are:

• My lunar energy is high.
  • Translation: I’m acting crazy as $%#@ because I have PMS
• It’s nearing a full moon
  • Translation: I’m acting crazy as $%#@ for no reason
• I experienced ego death
  • Translation: My ego is so big and out of control that it has convinced me it’s dead
• I connected with the divine
  • Translation: I took some really really good drugs
• I have really good karma
  • Translation: I’m only nice to you and do good things because I believe I will get some future spiritual reward, I don’t actually like you or would do those things without incentive
• I’m one of (insert Guru name here)’s most loyal and favored students
  • Translation: I’ve given him my life savings
• Mercury is in retrograde
  • Translation: Again, my current level of craziness is in no way related to my actual personality
• He helped awaken my kundalini
  • Translation: I had the most intense orgasm of my life
• I saw ____ in my dream, it was a sign I should do ____
  • Translation: I am looking for a way to justify my actions so if I fail I have something to blame

Again, this list can go on and on. One day there may actually be a Rosetta stone program; learn to speak Spirituality in 30 days (any takers to invest in developing this with me??)! As with any language, there is a bit of skill and experience required to know when someone is bullshitting you, but if the situation involves some type of monetary exchange or sex, 9 times out of 10 (especially in India) whatever they are saying no matter how “spiritual” it sounds, is BS.

While in the planning stages of my year off, I had mentioned to a person I met that I would be traveling to India in January to which they told me that someone named Mooji would be hosting a satsang around the same time and I absolutely MUST go. I had no idea who Mooji was or even what a satsang entailed and a quick google search didn’t help me out any. The only Mooji I could find was some guy from Jamacia and I had the assumption I was looking for an Indian. I didn’t bother looking up what a satsang was, I got the just of what might go on from the name, and though I didn’t understand why it was a big deal, I made a plan to attend one as I did actually somewhat enjoy sitting and singing.

As it would turn out, what I had envisioned a satsang to be and what it actually turned out to be were two very different things. My visions of sitting in a circle singing mantras with some Indian swami were pretty far off from the satsangs I attended (though there was usually some singing involved, so the name was not a complete mis-advertisement). Many satsangs were being held in Rishikesh at the time I was there, and my biggest surprise was that none of that were hosted by actual Indians! The “gurus” that everyone came to partake in a satsang with were from all over the world including Europe, America and South America (turns out I had the correct Jamacian Mooji to begin with) and people traveled from all over the world to see them in India. I have to admit, I was slightly cynical of the people that traveled all the way to India just for these satsangs, when the person they traveled so far to see lived most of their time in a country much closer. But, there are some mysteries of the world that will remain unsolved and its probably for the best not to delve into it.

The first satsang I attended was that of Mooji’s, which was probably the worst one to break my satsang virginity with. He was like a rockstar of the enlightened world (with westerners, not the locals but that is another story) and lining up hours before the satsang was essential to get a seat. Things I will wait hours in line for are few and far between, but I thought if I was going to do this satsang I was going to do it right. I arrived 2hrs before the scheduled time only to find myself about 2hrs late, standing in line behind hundreds of people a few blocks from the actual gate. The line provided enough entertainment to pass the hours though, local vendors knowing a good money making opportunity when they saw it, set up fruit stalls along the queue, and I was able to enjoy some fresh coconut juice as I partook in one of my favorite activities of people watching/listening and interrupting in random strangers conversations. Within 25 m of my place in line, there seemed to be someone from every continent in the world. Though I had no idea what it was exactly that Mooji did, numerous people were there as without even directly meeting him, they claimed he had significantly impacted their lives. His fame was so widespread that the satsang that day would be attended by approximately 1000 people, translated into 4 languages, and streamed live on the internet.

Finally it was time to enter the building and find our seats for the satsang. We had to maintain silence as we entered, shoes were removed and we were ushered to our seats by people in white flowing robes (as I write this I can’t help but realize that this was probably the closest I have ever been in my life to a cult setting, but somehow this never dawned on me at the time). Thanks to my late arrival into the lineup, I found myself in the back half of the room, craning my neck to see around a pole so I could get my first glimpse of the person everyone had flocked from afar to see. I had been prepared slightly for what was about to ensue. The satsang would be done in the format of a question and answer session, and it would be luck of the draw who Mooji would call on to ask a question. No one had been pre-selected based on their question, which I heard from others who had attended his satsang in the days preceding my visit, could result in some pretty interesting situations. As Mooji had this rockstar following, he also had the fans that took things to the extreme, including people having what could only be described as an orgasm just from Mooji acknowledging them, to others begging him just to let them kiss his feet, claiming the one thing they wanted more than anything in the world was to just touch him. Sometimes though, someone with a legitimate question would be picked, and an informative session would ensue. From daily issues of jobs and relationships to furthering one’s spiritual practice, Mooji had a unique skill of explaining the unexplainable in a way that resonated with the general masses. For some, he could explain something so simple in a way that could shift someones perception of an issue previously seeming solution-less.

Some of those that flocked to this satsang made the uber-spirituals I had met in peru (“The Characters You’ll Meet“) seem like boring 9-5 businessmen in comparison. In the amazon, its possible that the combination of the remote jungle settinng, ayahuasca, and puking tended to humble the most egotistical person. In India these things did not exist (except for the occasional bout of food poisoning) and the absolute worst type of uber-spiritual people existed here, the ones who were so egotistical they actually believed they had no ego. While the facilitators told anyone asking questions to keep it general so the response would be applicable to more of the audience, the questions asked often involved the person giving a detailed account of their spiritual journey, sometimes not even getting to a question but more seemingly seeking Mooji’s approval of their lives. I remember one woman’s interaction with Mooji very clearly, she was visibly an uber-spiritual type, though her desperation to talk with him showed attachment (the nemesis of the uber-spiritual, who almost are attached to detachment). She expalined to Mooji how she had done so much spiritual work, transcending states of consciousness, releasing all physical attachments, that she had overcome her ego, blah blah blah, but now she didn’t know what was the next step. Up to this point I had been listening to Mooji’s responses and knew that he was legitimate, but his response to this woman showed that he was absolutely brilliant. “My dear, if you had truly overcome your ego you would not feel the need to tell me about it.” I couldn’t hold back my laughter, he had a magical way of calling out people on their bullshit without crushing their spirit. I respected that, but not quite enough to warrant standing in that line again to attend another one of his satsangs while I was in India. One time was enough for me. 

As the time approached to start my yoga teacher training course I had a lot trepidation. Though the website application had said that all levels of yoga were welcome, I couldn’t suppress the fear that as I lacked the ability to put my foot behind my head I would be holding back the rest of the class. As a fairly competitive person, I often avoided doing things where I knew I would be at the back of the pack, and yoga was not something I thought myself to be good at. Also I only had one item of Lulu Lemon attire, a far cry of the almost required head to toe garb plus accessories to fit in the western world of yoga.

I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into with this training, I had decided to do the course more to have a structured yoga program than to actually become a yoga teacher in the future. For myself I find if I don’t have some type of structure I can very easily become distracted and not get around to do what I’m supposed to be doing (like writing this blog…). Also I figured if my plan was to do yoga and meditation anyways, why not get the yoga teacher training certificate as who knows, maybe one day I would change my mind and want to teach. I would soon find out that I was not alone in my reasoning for doing the teacher training course, the majority of the 12 people in the class were around my level of yoga and didn’t have any immediate plans to start teaching. We all seemed to have a few things in common that may or may not have influenced our decision to give up everything and practice yoga intensively for a month, 1)all but one of us was female, 2)all but three of us were born in the 1980’s, and 3)more than a few of us were at a crossroads in our lives involving recent relationships with the opposite sex.

Yoga in the western world may consist of Lulu Lemon, bending awkwardly, and contemplating how it can be so hard to do something as simple as focus on one’s breath, but we quickly learned that there is so much more to yoga than that, and in fact our yoga teacher performed jaw dropping postures without a stitch of lycra, rather bearing loose fitting cotton clothing. Our days consisted of 1.5 hrs of yoga before breakfast, 4 hours of classroom time covering philosophy, physiology, mantras, another 1.5 hrs of yoga, finishing with 1 hr of meditation. Oddly enough, philosophy would become the favorite of the majority of the class; maybe a function of the absence of religion and philosophy most 80’s western children grow up with or the lack of connection to religion resulting from the wordy and easily misinterpreted teachings of Christianity/Catholicism combined with a very mired  recent past, but we couldn’t get enough of it. We would often be found discussing through meal times the differences between the five pranas or how to apply yamas and niyamas to our daily lives. Conversations in the local cafes between strangers often migrated to these topics, a nice relief to the gossip and complaining that would be heard at a cafe in the western world (I will admit though, after spending 2.5 months in the area I might have gladly welcomed a conversation on Taylor Swift’s latest affairs).

In philosophy class we learned that the word “yoga” actually meant the union and balance of the mind, body, and soul, which could be achieved through practicing the eight limbs of ashtanga yoga. The physical body posture part of yoga we focus on in the western world was actually only one out of these of eight limbs, and it was slightly comical to realize that by having this unbalanced focus on only one of the limbs, we were achieving the opposite of the balance that yoga is meant to be. The practice of yoga consisted of the yamas (ethical practices), niyamas (self discipline and spiritual practices), asanas (postures that we focus on), pranayama (use of breath control), pratyahara (withdrawl of the senses from the outside world to within), dharana (concentration of ones thoughts on a single image or thought), Dhyana (complete awarness without focus), and finally samadhi (a state of merging with the divine and ecstasy).

Each limb is progressively more challenging, beginning with the yamas, similar to the ten commandments including truthfulness (satya), non-stealing (asteya), non-violence (ahimsa), non-hoarding (aparigraph), and living in moderation (brahmacharya), actions we can easily control. The niyamas are slightly more challenging, including purification of the mind and body (shaucha), contentment with ones life (santosha), putting full effort into any task (tapas), study of the self (svadhyaya), and finally complete faith/surrender of self to god (ishvara pranidhana). The third limb, the asanas or postures that often come to mind when we think of yoga, are not used as a tool to get in shape, but are used to focus the mind and bring balance to the physical body, which are skills important in some of the other limbs. The fourth limb is pranayama, the practice of breathing techniques used to clear and balance one’s energetic body as well as focusing the mind similar to the practice of asanas. The fifth limb is pratyahara, which is the concentrated effort of withdrawing ones senses from the external to the internal world, further testing the focus of ones mind gained through asanas and pranayama. The sixth limb is dharana, the complete focus of one’s mind on a single object, sound, or thought and the seventh limb is dhyana which is the complete unfocus of the mind, the state of thoughtlessness and complete awareness we are told to strive for in meditation. The final limb is samadhi, a state of consciousness impossible to describe, a merging with the divine, though the experience is nothing like what will come to mind when you think of merging with the divine, we lack words to describe it accurately. Samadhi is a state rarely achieved, even by those who practice yoga religiously for their whole lives, it requires something referred to as divine grace, better known as pure dumb luck.

The teachers in the course always amazed me at their passion for teaching yoga philosophy. They must have seen hundreds of clueless westerns come through, every month starting from scratch with new students, probably asking all the same questions as the last batch. It was typical of us westerners to think we had even the slightest grasp on yogic concepts by the end of the month course, when our teachers had dedicated their lives to the practice, for them it was a way of life, and for us it was something we scheduled into our day to do. I had to wonder what they truly thought of us westerners, full of ideas of yoga molded by western society and after just a few philosophy classes talking like we knew what was going on, I assume it might be something like this.

I’ll admit, I did about zero research on India prior to jumping on the plane, as my travels the past four years had been to the same country I had completely forgotten the basics one needs to know before going to a country they have never been before. I like to think that not doing any research prior to going is good in some ways, I didn’t get a chance to build up any expectations or unnecessary fears, but the downside was that I was very unprepared for some elements.

I knew vaguely that India had severe pollution problems, but that did little to prepare me for the actual reality and extent of the pollution. Flying into New Delhi I was taken aback by the brown haze that seemed to engulf the area and the inability to see more than a couple hundred meters in the distance. As I waited in the airport for my domestic flight connection to DehraDun, the smog made it impossible to even see the planes taking off and landing. A shock for someone coming from Alberta, Canada with its big blue skies and vast horizons. Thankfully I would only be spending a couple hours in New Delhi waiting for my connection before flying to the north of India, to an area in the foothills of the Himalayas where I had been told had better air quality.

Though the air quality in the north seemed a bit better, I was shocked by the physical pollution. Landfills and waste management seemed non-existent, rather garbage was pile in any vacant space where no infrastructure existed and when these piles would be occasionally burnt. No regard was given for the type of material that had been dumped, often including old tires that would result in the emission of thick, black, and toxic smoke. I could only imagine what other toxic materials were being dumped in this manner, my education and experience in contaminated site assessment kicking in as I thought about the contamination risk to the soil and groundwater. I watched as a truck drove slowly down the road spraying the ditches with some liquid, very reminiscent of the photos I had seen from the 60’s when the use of DDT had been common. I held my breath as they passed. This pollution would take its toll on me, after a few weeks I would develop an ear infection that would persist despite numerous trips to a specialist and would only disappear when I finally left India.

Cattle roamed the streets, most being malnourished and some with untreated injuries as they were the equivalent of what we would call stray animals. Cattle being considered sacred were not eaten though their milk was consumed, this practice resulting in farmers often releasing bull calves as they served no purpose to them while keeping the cows to milk. These abandoned cattle could often be seen hanging around the rubbish piles, sifting through for anything that they might be able to digest into some form of nutrition, one eating the paper bag I was holding right out of my hand. I had to wonder how much little accumulated in their stomachs that they were unable to digest, a question that I would later find an answer to when a video showed up on my facebook news feed showing the removal of 20 kg of plastic from one bull! I had once heard a rumor that cows could not go down stairs, this was quickly disproved monitoring the cows in India as they would go everywhere! Up stairs, down stairs, through doors, even over the two main and rather busy pedestrian/motorcycle suspension bridges over the River Ganga, often causing massive traffic delays as they traversed at a meandering pace. As there were cattle everywhere on the streets, there was a proportionate amount of manure on the streets as well that one had to try to avoid! I was lucky as I had arrived in mid January, and the flies would just be coming out by the time in left at the end of March.

Coming to India in January was great for the fly and mosquito situation but another challenge arose that I had not prepared for. I arrived to the ashram I would be spending my first week at very unprepared for the drastic temperature changes between night and day that were a result of being near the highest mountain chain in the world in the middle of winter. When packing for India I had quickly check the average temperature forecast for the area, showing daily temperatures between 20-25oC, and my clothing was chosen accordingly. What I had failed to do was to look at the low temperatures, which would dip to near or below freezing during the night, and with temperatures reaching above 40 oC in the summer, houses were designed to keep cool not warm or with any type of heating systems. The last item that had been cut from my bag had been my touque, and my entire first night in India I regretted that last minute decision! These freezing temperatures made me very unwilling in the morning to get out of bed and go to the first yoga class of the day at 7:30AM (I won’t lie, I never even once considered making the morning prayers and worship at 6:30).

I would also learn that making the 7:30 yoga class was one thing, surviving it was another! I had been doing yoga on and off over the past couple years and had been to a few yoga classes, but the westerner yoga I had experienced paled in comparison to the yoga I now found myself struggling to do. Where was the gentle cat/cow and downward dog? This yoga was a test of strength and athleticism at a relentless pace. Despite the cold mornings, everyone in the class worked up a sweat and a few times I found myself sitting in awe watching the more advanced students perform poses worthy of circ de soleil. With my yoga teacher training course starting in less than a week, I was starting to think I had maybe gotten in over my head. Thailand and Bali were a short plane ride away, and I heard that there was warm temperatures, beaches, and mai tais there, which was starting to look very appealing in comparison to my current conditions! These doubts were fleeting, as I had learned in Peru that these doubts and wanting to quit were usually indicators that I was on a path of self improvement, a path which requires facing many challenges which will always bring out doubts. I took these doubts as a good sign I was on the right path, I could be on a beach somewhere having a enjoyable time and relaxing, but I knew it would not help better myself and I would be closer to achieving my goals through challenging myself practicing yoga and meditation with masters in one of the spiritual capitals of the world. Also, I had already paid a deposit for my yoga teacher training course.

At the center they had a testimonial book that had recently been started. Two out of the five testimonials that had been written so far described that the person had come to take ayahuasca to have some type of spiritual awakening, but they found healing instead. For me, things happened the complete opposite. I came down to the Amazon seeking only healing, and I received a spiritual awakening.

I remember the ceremony when it happened well, it was my first time drinking ayahuasca in over a month as my dieta with Manchinga had closed and the Shaman decided I was physically strong enough now to take ayahuasca. I was over half-way into my stay and getting a bit frustrated with the lack of progress I had made with my intention, I felt at times I was only getting worse. As I sat down in ceremony I decided I was going to focus completely on my intention no matter what happened, even if I was vomiting, shitting my pants, or frothing at the mouth, I was determined not to let my thoughts stray from my intention the whole night.

When it was my turn to go up the the Shaman to drink, I determinedly marched over and without my usual hesitation, gulped the cup down immediately as it was handed to me. For once the brew actually tasted palatable, tasting almost like molasses. I returned to my mat, firmly placing my ass, determined to sit upright for the entire ceremony. I placed the rocks that the Shaman had given me previously beside me within arms reach, and focused on my intention to be healed as I waited for the effects of the ayahuasca to come on.

The effects came on like many of my prior ceremonies, with strong feelings of naseua but no vomiting. I remember thinking, how is this healing me, and for the first time in all of my ayahuasca ceremonies I actually heard the voice of another consciousness than my own replying and it said that I was asking the wrong question. As the ceremony progressed I continued to hold onto my intention, repeating it over and over in my head like a mantra. I could feel something was happening within my brain, though it was at a level beyond the part of my brain focused on my intention, my consciousness had two parts. The part of my consciousness focused on my intention seemed small and incapable, almost like a child compared to this other part. I could sense the presence of the consciousness of ayahuasca as well, it and my larger consciousness were working on something, something that was beyond my linguistic comprehension.

I’m not sure how long this went on for, but all of a sudden I had the feeling that my higher consciousness had just passed some sort of test, a really important test. I was transported to a file room where this important test I had just passed was stored, the file cabinent was massive and only two previous passed tests from this lifetime were there, and I had remembered that I had accessed this room before though at the time was not able to remember it once I left. After this I saw our infinite universe, as well as the infinite number of universes out there. Within the universe I saw everything, and understood everything at the same time. I knew that everything that had happened, was happening, and was going to happen in my life and the collective population was absolutely perfect.

This understanding of life and the universe was so simple and perfect it was laughable. So simple yet impossible to describe as the human vocabulary lacks the words to do so. It’s like trying to explain sight to a blind person or sound to a deaf person. We can describe it using words for lifetimes, and still the person will not fully understand what it is. But having only a moment of experience and they will go, ooooohhhhh that’s sight! Or that’s sound! Then only after experiencing it, will all the descriptions we used finally make sense. The instant I had this experience I knew it was a profound moment in my life, though it would not be until a couple months later in India that I would learn that this state of knowledge that couldn’t be explained or taught, only understood through experiencing it was well documented in yogic philosophy and was called samadhi, though was a state rarely reached even by those who meditated religiously, and required what they described as divine grace, or more simply plain luck.

I could try to describe this state of understanding for paragraphs upon paragraphs, and those reading this will still not have a 1% idea of what experiencing that state is like and why it is so profound. Simply, my perception of everything was completely changed in that instant, even though nothing in my healing situation or in the world had changed, I just understood that everything was and will be exactly as it needs to be, and it is completely my choice to perceive situations as positive or negative. There is an old Buddhist saying, “Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water,” which very accurately described the experience. Many people are waiting for their situation to change thinking that then they will be happy and fulfilled, but the universal truth is that you will experience happiness, sadness, anger, joy, etc. throughout life, and being able experience every one of these emotions is a blessing. They are there for us to learn from, not to try to avoid or deny.

After having this profound ceremony, some might think that the rest of my time at the center would be full of flowers, butterflies, rainbows, unicorns, and all fun and enjoyable things and my healing would be complete. It was not, but now I knew that everything that was happening was perfect. It’s one thing to reach this state of universal knowledge, but it’s another thing to be able to use any of that knowledge productively in life, and I knew I faced never ending self work, healing, and learning to be able to do so. I no longer saw my experiences as something just to suffer through to reach my end goal of being healed, but could now see how each experience good or bad was an important opportunity to learn and grow from. Many people put all the importance on reaching an end goal, meanwhile not being present in the process and learning from the experience. These experiences are crucial to reaching that end goal, and if we don’t learn from them ultimately we won’t have the tools to reach our goal. As Steve Jobs said, things aren’t meant to make sense looking forward, but one day looking back all the dots will connect. He had no idea that taking a calligraphy class in college would provide a baseline for Apple’s text design, but  he learned the most he could from the experience while he was doing it regardless of any end goal. Ayahuasca would challenge me right until my last ceremony at the center, with nausea, vomiting, and tears right till the bitter end. Though I couldn’t make sense of how this process helped me towards my healing intention, I knew that the experience somehow, someday would make sense and it was an important process to go through. 

Not many people have the luxury (or the desire) to stay at a healing center in the Amazon for two and a half months, which provided me a unique opportunity to see numerous people come and go. With my packed daily schedule of eating, contemplating life, swinging in a hammock, and having a bath, I had a fair bit of time to observe and chat with the guests that came through. As a very scientific minded person, I began to observe trends in the personalities and reasons why people had made the trek to experience ayahuasca. Over my two and a half months I determined that 95% of the people could fit into one or more of the following categories, 1. The uber-spiritual, 2. the psychonaut, 3. the curious, 4. the  desperate, and finally 5. the shaman in training.

First the Uber-Spiritual. These you can usually identify before even talking to them, sporting an unkempt look including but not limited to dreadlocks, unshaven for at least a few months (face for men, armpits for women), at least five visible piercings with stretchers of varying sizes. Tattoos of religious or culture symbols will be spread over their body, with seemingly no rhyme or reason (do they know what that Chinese symbol means, or could it very well mean won-ton soup?). They will be sporting a mimum of 10 bracelets, at least half made of hemp and various crystals will adorn their necklaces. When discussing why they have made the journey to Peru, they will rarely use the word ayahuasca, preferring to refer to it as la madre or la medicina and that it has called them to come connect with its spirit. They will often speak elaboratley, using large and vague description words, often taking five minutes to explain something that could be done in thirty seconds. They will often reject mainstream knowledge, believing that it is part of a vast conspiracy network, and “the mans” way of controlling the masses. To hold a conversation with them, it is best to use the words intuition and energy alot, avoiding words that describe anything physical or tangible. For a rather humerous look into the uber-spiritual character, check out this video.

Second type is the psychonaut. Now these are not as easy to spot immediately on sight; usually male, they look like any other person of the street in their respective country. After a few minutes of conversation though, they are easily identifiable. Unlike the uber-spiritual who will refer to ayahusca as la madre or medicina, the psychonaut will often refer to ayahuasca based on its chemical components dimethyltriptamine (DMT) and monoamine oxidase inhibitor  (MAOI). Often well educated, they will have a very scientific understanding of how these components react when ingested and how to extract these components, sometimes having already done so in their own homes. They will have a vast experience and knowledge of other pshycadellics, spouting off the acronyms for various substances that may confuse some into thinking they are just using some new texting abbriviations that haven´t caught on yet (MMDA, LSD, EDMA, MDAT, TCP, PCP…. The list goes on and has a dedicated wikipedia page). For them, ayahuasca is often the next step up in pshycadellics for them, as DMT is considered to have some of the strongest effects (next to iboga).

The third type is the curious. They can be of any age, gender, education, and occupation, but will have one thing in common; they have made the trek into the Amazon because of a friend or a travel forum that told them about ayahuasca. Something someone said to them was intriguing enough to make the trek to check out what the “hype” is all about. They will have watched a couple of the mainstream documentaries and read a couple books on the topic to have a basic knowledge of what it´s all about, though not to the extreme of the pshyconaut. They will usually hold some skeptisim towards the healing capabilities of the shamans and ayahuasca, and because of that not come down with any specific intention other than to see what happens. Unlike the uber-spiritual, they will have a hard time accepting the “energitic” workings of the shamans, and understanding what one´s chakras are and why they need to be cleansed. Many of the youger “curious” types will see partaking in an ayahuasca ceremony as a right of passage for backpacking across South America and Peru.

The fourth type is the desperate. These are the people that are suffering from a serious mental or physical disorder, where western treatment has failed them time and time again. From severe cases of depression to those suffering from incurable diseases such as parkinsons and cancer, these people come to the Amazon at the end of their ropes looking for a miracle. They can often be distinguished as they will keep to themselves the first week at the center, they will be focused on their intention and follow any and all reccomendations given by the shaman. Slowly but surely over their time at the center they will begin to open up, even those with severe social anxiety and depression will end up with a few close friendships by the time they leave. Many will find the healing they seek, but on some occasions they will not (see the Sacred Science). No matter what the outcome, usually the experience will have given them a new outlook and motivation as they continue on their healing journey.

Lastly is the shaman in training. These people are unlike anyone you have met before in your life. Often starting out somwhere on the spectrum of the four previous types, their experience with ayahusca has been so strong that is has led them to forsake the “normal” and commit to years of celibacy, isolation, and stict diet to learn how to become a shaman. To become a shaman is not a quick or easy process (even though it is sometimes marketed as such), sometimes requirng 10+ years of training before being able to heal others.  Often you may not even see them at a center, and when you do they seem to appear from nowhere, blending completely into the jungle surroundings. They can be somewhat of a “unicorn”, often talked about but rarely seen, and when you find yourself in their presence there is often insurmountable wisdom to be had. They can often be coerced into a converstaion through news of current events in the outside world (or football if they are from the UK and a man-united fan).

Even though I was able to decipher the majority of people that came to the center into these five categories, no matter what mindset, intention, background, beliefs, etc. that anyone had at the beginning, by the time they left the center they were a changed person. Changed for the better. For my entire stay, I didn´t meet one person that left the center not feeling that something significant had happened to them and without a more positive outlook on their life.

On a side note: even those who had left prior centers I had stayed at not feeling like any change had occured, had change happen though they didn´t want to or couldn´t admit it. An example of this was when a work collegue of mine with depression, anxiety, and alcholism issues approached me after driving drunk and damaging their car, asking for reccomendations on centers to go to. They ended up traveling to a center I was staying at, but leaving the center early after the shaman reccomended to them an intense cleansing procedure with a plant called Oje, only partaking in two ayahuasca ceremonies. Though they left frustrated and dejected, feeling that they had wasted their time and money, when I crossed paths with them a few months later they were no longer drinking alcohol at all.

Back to Peru or next blog post

This past week I had the opportunity to try something new called the Lucia Light Experience. For those who are not familiar with this (which includes myself as I have a tendency to try things first learn later), I suppose one way to describe it is like hallucinating but without the use of substances. Scientifically though, it is a way to stimulate EEG brain wave patterns similar to those that are experienced during meditation.

A few minutes into the session, I began to think of what I should be seeing. I wasn’t seeing a lot other than flashing and changing colours. I began to think that the whole light show must have some type of desired visual design and I wanted to know if I was experiencing it properly. I thought to myself they must have a outline of this, ie. for the first five minutes the colours are soft or warm to invoke these types of feelings and you should be seeing this design. I wished they had given me an outline beforehand so I could anticipate what I should be experiencing and make myself experience it how it should be if I wasn’t.

In that moment I had an “ah-ha” moment. Rather than sitting back and enjoying the experience for what it was, I was focused on making sure my experience conformed to what should be. That I was drastically missing out on something if I didn’t have a guideline of how it was supposed to be experienced, and while I was worrying about this I was missing the whole experience. And for what? I couldn’t change the experience I was having, even if someone had told me what they had experienced in the same light show right before mine could that couldn’t really completely alter how I experienced it anyway.

This revelation shed a bit of light into my current situation. Without any clear goals in my life I was desperate to figure out how other people had shaped their lives; the choices they made and the feelings they had that made them do so. I thought, maybe, just maybe if I figured out how they discovered their goals and passions, and what made them want to get up in the morning, why they put up with certain things, so I could just copy what they did. I was looking for the outline for how to experience life when maybe I should just be enjoying my experience for what it is.

Revelations are easy to have, integrating them is the kicker. Even as I write this now, a huge part of me shies away from changing my behaviour of seeking to find someone whose life and choices I idolize and mimicking them. I like to be an efficient person, work smarter not harder is something I adhere to and being able to avoid life experiences that are more detrimental than beneficial just seems like the most efficient route. Using the metaphor of the fork in the road and having to choose one trail, there should be a Google maps app I can pull up and figure out the quickest trail to where I am supposed to be going! They say there is an app for everything, but I think I may have to accept that there is no life map app.

I try to envision myself letting go and letting what happen happen, but to me it just feels like giving up. I was raised with the attitude that if you are going to do something, do it right, work at it and become the best. Letting things happen without making them happen to me seems like I will miss out on opportunities as I am not actively working to make them happen. How do you know what the balance is between giving up when all you needed to do was keep trying a bit longer or the point where you are wasting your time and energy into beating a dead horse, trying to make a situation turn into something it will never be.

Lately I have been driving myself crazy trying to make things happen, when I’m not even sure what I’m trying to make happen or if it’s something I even want. Maybe I am so desperately focused on figuring out where I want to end up in life and how to get there, that I am missing out on discovering where I actually want to go in life.

“Not all those who wander are lost”